Coldplay, Are You Kidding Me?

Hey Nashville. I want you to look outside your window right now. You see that water cascading down from the night sky?

That’s not rain.

That’s God crying.


Because on this day – December 5, 2014 (a day cursed forever – goodbye the superstitious “Friday the 13th” myths and hello the dreaded “Friday the 5th”) – Chris Martin told Zane Lowe of BBC Radio 1 that the next album is “like the last Harry Potter book or something like that.” He continues: “Not to say that there might be another thing one day, but this is the completion of something.”

In the spirit of hyperbole, let’s take his slight hint of an ending to mean that the band is absolutely calling it quits after this seventh album and proceed to panic.

But first, a moment of silence.







Apparently this next album is tentatively titled A Head Full of Dreams – UGH! – feels more like a head full of CRUSHED dreams because you’ve crushed mine, Chris! How will I ever be your PR maven if you won’t even exist anymore?!

I don’t understand the reasoning behind this. When you become a parent, it ceases being about you anymore. Every decision is made based on the well-being of your child.

When you become Coldplay, it ceases being about you anymore. It’s about me. MY NEEDS, CHRIS, MY NEEDS. What about this do the boys not get?!

It’s like they abandoned me on a street corner in the pouring rain with nothing but my teddy bear and X&Y vinyl. What kind of parent does that to their child?! An injustice, I say!

I thought I was having an existential crisis over my recent move to the dark side with One Direction, but that’s a joke compared to this catastrophe. I don’t even know what life is anymore. Not only did my loves Keane go on a hiatus beginning last year, but now Coldplay?! Is there any hope for this world?!


My faith is shaken. Regardless of my love for One Direction, I still feel directionless. How do I even begin to move forward from this? What is my identity anymore? Three out of five of my best life moments are Coldplay concerts. WHAT NOW?!

This is worse than a breakup! Okay… so maybe I’ve never had the joy of experiencing a breakup, but I still assert that this emotional pain is probably exponentially worse than the pain of someone you love leaving you forever. I stand by this claim with absolute confidence.

I feel the need to go into a mourning period and study up on the five stages of grief, because I’m certainly grieving right now. The loss is real.

If you spot a disheveled 22-year-old woman wandering haplessly down the street sporting Mylo Xyloto wristbands and muttering Coldplay lyrics under her breath, do her no harm. That’s just me.

Okay. Enough with this exaggeration. I know I’m being totally over-the-top right now.

But look. All I’m saying is you better start checking off the musts on your bucket list now, because I’m pretty sure Coldplay’s end is one of the signs Jesus spoke of that will alert us to the coming Apocalypse.

I mean, can you even begin to imagine what a world without Coldplay would be like? Grey. Without hope. Without dreams. Without love. Like a Middle Earth if Frodo hadn’t been able to destroy the ring.

But you know what? God can change hearts. Everyone drop to your knees right now and begin praying.

This world needs Coldplay.

Now Playing

“The Hardest Part/Postcards from Far Away” (Live) – Coldplay

Yes Chris, the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. You really broke my heart. Bad. Real bad.

Did you write this song foreseeing this very moment? Because it feels like it.

Do the entire world a favor and continue to make beautiful music regardless of whether or not that’s something you actually want. I’m not ready for this to be over. We can get through this! We can make it work! Don’t leave me yet! I need you!

Excuse me as I turn the volume up and cry into my Viva la Vida concert tee.

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2 Responses to Coldplay, Are You Kidding Me?

  1. Pingback: 6 Musical Things to be Really Giddy About in 2015 | PenPointed Noise

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